How does one bounce back from difficult situations? Few of us live a lifetime without tragedy striking.Someone unexpectedly loses their job, the doctor diagnoses a chronic disease, or our child veers into self-destructive behavior.The initial message might feel like a blow to our sense of security.As the world seems to spin out of control, how do we come to terms with our new reality?Lorna.Meeting Lorna gave me some clues.I was standing behind Lorna in a very long line waiting to see Bill Cosby at a local church.Lorna was a thin African-American lady in her mid fifties.Her conversation was punctuated by hardy laughter.I was drawn to her immediately.As the usher directed us to our pew, we sat next to each other.After a few minutes of small talk, I asked Lorna, "What do you do for a living?"I conduct anger management presentations for middle school and high school kids." My ears perked up.We had similar interests."Really?" I'm also a teacher, and I'm interested in doing workshops and speaking.How did you get started?" I asked.Lorna pulled out an 8"x 10" picture of two young men from her tote bag.She spoke slowly as she pointed."This is my son, J.J.And this is my son Edward." Their confident smiles mirrored their mothers', I thought."Handsome guys," I said.Lorna's voice cracked as her two long fingers stroked the picture.She touched J.J.First."Three years ago J.J was killed in a drive by shooting.So far his killer hasn't been caught.Then three months later Edward was shot and killed in a car jacking." We sat silent for a long time.Our eyes weld with tears as we sat looking at each other.Wow, I thought.I have a twenty-two year old and an eighteen year old son.I could not imagine life without them.Softly, I asked, "Lorna, how did you deal with back to back tragedies without losing your mind?"."Well baby I came awful close.At first, I was just numb.How could both boys be gone? I had raised them alone.We were very close.At one point, I fantasized about getting even.But that didn't ease the pain.Meditating day and night about my boys almost sapped the life out of me.I knew I had to do something.I joined a support group for parents who have lost their children.After some time, I realized I was not alone.I felt supported and understood.I know I will never be the same again.But I realized I needed to do something positive to offset this loss.Where I live, you hear gunshots almost everyday.The youngsters in my neighborhood are so angry.So, I decided to do something about the root of all this violence--anger.I started a foundation to teach youngsters how to deal with anger in a constructive way.".Lorna touched my hand."Helping these bitter teens was the only way I could find some peace.I've probably spoken to hundreds of them.Surprisingly, these kids have tragic stories to tell of their own.Some are in foster homes, others are physically abused, abandoned by relatives, you name it.Broken hearted kids who don't know how to manage their anger can do terrible things--like kill.I find this to be a pattern.".By looking at Lorna's story, we can learn how to be emotionally resilient when tragedy strikes.There are four key elements.Time.Adjusting to a new reality takes time.Change is difficult even if it's beneficial.It's even more stressful when it's traumatic.Refrain from believing unrealistic expectations such as, "I need to be strong and carry on." Respect your own personal healing time.As you're healing ask for help.Can someone go to the cleaners for you, babysit your children or clean your house? Friends and family are eager to help but oftentimes don't know how to help.Display self compassion by being realistic about your hurt and pain as you slowly transition back into the routine of life.Find Support.When difficulty strikes, many of us find it easier to retreat rather than lean on our relationships.However, confiding our feelings to a few trusted friends help the healing process.Excessive emotional burdens lighten when we have compassionate ears to listen to our pain.Find a support group dealing with your issue.Only other parents of murdered children could really empathize with Lorna's difficult losses.At such meetings, members share tips which help others cope with specific issues surrounding this type of tragedy.If grief is overwhelming, however, consider locating a therapist who specializes in grief counseling.A specialized counselor can help you get unstuck, and support your healing process.Forgiveness. Key to Healing.One of the most difficult exercises is forgiving an offender, and sometimes even oneself.It is a process without time constraints.It is an arduous process, but vital to the quality of our lives.I remember a preacher saying, " bitterness is a poison we drink, hoping the offender will die!".Scientists have documented countless times the lethal nature of unforgiveness.Auto immune diseases, such as Lupus, cancer, hypertension and depression are linked to anger and unresolved issues of unforgiveness.So, what is forgiveness? It is letting go of judgment we might feel towards the offender, the situation or ourselves.Nursing hatred only tortures us.We oftentimes become obsessed with our loss and with retaliation for it.What a difficult way to live!To forgive however does not mean to condone inappropriate behavior.Nor does it mean subjecting oneself to ill treatment.When appropriate, it seeks justice.For example, a wife might have to separate from a physically abusive husband; she might have to get a restraining order, and demand he seeks treatment for a specified time before she even considers reconciliation with him.Hurtful behavior patterns can be forgiven but not tolerated.Moreover, we sometimes blame ourselves for difficult situations.Blaming yourself is counterproductive even if you played a role your difficulty.Instead, learn the lesson inherent in the situation.How can you correct your behavior and attitude to avert the tragic event in the future? Learning lessons help prevent future problems.Forgive yourself but be an astute student of life.Contribute to Others.As Lorna began to heal, she realized that her neighborhood was riddled with gang violence.She stated,"After my boys were killed, all of a sudden I woke up! No longer was I numb to the helicopters hovering over our houses at night, or the rounds of gunfire popping at anytime of day, or the angry faces of the neighborhood youngsters.I knew I had to do something so other parents would not have to experience the pain I felt.".Positive action helps shift our focus to the big picture.Lorna used her personal tragedy to help hundreds of children learn about anger management.Can meaning come out of tragedy? You bet.These four practices will help restore peace in the middle of any personal storm.What can you do to help yourself bounce back from tragedy? By being patient with yourself and respecting your healing process, by finding practical and emotional support, and by submitting yourself to the practice of forgiveness, your recovery is assured.Most importantly, helping others through similar tragedies will give your personal struggles meaning and purpose.We cannot determine what happens to us in life, but we can decide what we'll do in response to it.Choose to thrive in the midst of difficulties.
Monday, September 24, 2012
How to Bounce Back From Difficult Situations and Thrive
How does one bounce back from difficult situations? Few of us live a lifetime without tragedy striking.Someone unexpectedly loses their job, the doctor diagnoses a chronic disease, or our child veers into self-destructive behavior.The initial message might feel like a blow to our sense of security.As the world seems to spin out of control, how do we come to terms with our new reality?Lorna.Meeting Lorna gave me some clues.I was standing behind Lorna in a very long line waiting to see Bill Cosby at a local church.Lorna was a thin African-American lady in her mid fifties.Her conversation was punctuated by hardy laughter.I was drawn to her immediately.As the usher directed us to our pew, we sat next to each other.After a few minutes of small talk, I asked Lorna, "What do you do for a living?"I conduct anger management presentations for middle school and high school kids." My ears perked up.We had similar interests."Really?" I'm also a teacher, and I'm interested in doing workshops and speaking.How did you get started?" I asked.Lorna pulled out an 8"x 10" picture of two young men from her tote bag.She spoke slowly as she pointed."This is my son, J.J.And this is my son Edward." Their confident smiles mirrored their mothers', I thought."Handsome guys," I said.Lorna's voice cracked as her two long fingers stroked the picture.She touched J.J.First."Three years ago J.J was killed in a drive by shooting.So far his killer hasn't been caught.Then three months later Edward was shot and killed in a car jacking." We sat silent for a long time.Our eyes weld with tears as we sat looking at each other.Wow, I thought.I have a twenty-two year old and an eighteen year old son.I could not imagine life without them.Softly, I asked, "Lorna, how did you deal with back to back tragedies without losing your mind?"."Well baby I came awful close.At first, I was just numb.How could both boys be gone? I had raised them alone.We were very close.At one point, I fantasized about getting even.But that didn't ease the pain.Meditating day and night about my boys almost sapped the life out of me.I knew I had to do something.I joined a support group for parents who have lost their children.After some time, I realized I was not alone.I felt supported and understood.I know I will never be the same again.But I realized I needed to do something positive to offset this loss.Where I live, you hear gunshots almost everyday.The youngsters in my neighborhood are so angry.So, I decided to do something about the root of all this violence--anger.I started a foundation to teach youngsters how to deal with anger in a constructive way.".Lorna touched my hand."Helping these bitter teens was the only way I could find some peace.I've probably spoken to hundreds of them.Surprisingly, these kids have tragic stories to tell of their own.Some are in foster homes, others are physically abused, abandoned by relatives, you name it.Broken hearted kids who don't know how to manage their anger can do terrible things--like kill.I find this to be a pattern.".By looking at Lorna's story, we can learn how to be emotionally resilient when tragedy strikes.There are four key elements.Time.Adjusting to a new reality takes time.Change is difficult even if it's beneficial.It's even more stressful when it's traumatic.Refrain from believing unrealistic expectations such as, "I need to be strong and carry on." Respect your own personal healing time.As you're healing ask for help.Can someone go to the cleaners for you, babysit your children or clean your house? Friends and family are eager to help but oftentimes don't know how to help.Display self compassion by being realistic about your hurt and pain as you slowly transition back into the routine of life.Find Support.When difficulty strikes, many of us find it easier to retreat rather than lean on our relationships.However, confiding our feelings to a few trusted friends help the healing process.Excessive emotional burdens lighten when we have compassionate ears to listen to our pain.Find a support group dealing with your issue.Only other parents of murdered children could really empathize with Lorna's difficult losses.At such meetings, members share tips which help others cope with specific issues surrounding this type of tragedy.If grief is overwhelming, however, consider locating a therapist who specializes in grief counseling.A specialized counselor can help you get unstuck, and support your healing process.Forgiveness. Key to Healing.One of the most difficult exercises is forgiving an offender, and sometimes even oneself.It is a process without time constraints.It is an arduous process, but vital to the quality of our lives.I remember a preacher saying, " bitterness is a poison we drink, hoping the offender will die!".Scientists have documented countless times the lethal nature of unforgiveness.Auto immune diseases, such as Lupus, cancer, hypertension and depression are linked to anger and unresolved issues of unforgiveness.So, what is forgiveness? It is letting go of judgment we might feel towards the offender, the situation or ourselves.Nursing hatred only tortures us.We oftentimes become obsessed with our loss and with retaliation for it.What a difficult way to live!To forgive however does not mean to condone inappropriate behavior.Nor does it mean subjecting oneself to ill treatment.When appropriate, it seeks justice.For example, a wife might have to separate from a physically abusive husband; she might have to get a restraining order, and demand he seeks treatment for a specified time before she even considers reconciliation with him.Hurtful behavior patterns can be forgiven but not tolerated.Moreover, we sometimes blame ourselves for difficult situations.Blaming yourself is counterproductive even if you played a role your difficulty.Instead, learn the lesson inherent in the situation.How can you correct your behavior and attitude to avert the tragic event in the future? Learning lessons help prevent future problems.Forgive yourself but be an astute student of life.Contribute to Others.As Lorna began to heal, she realized that her neighborhood was riddled with gang violence.She stated,"After my boys were killed, all of a sudden I woke up! No longer was I numb to the helicopters hovering over our houses at night, or the rounds of gunfire popping at anytime of day, or the angry faces of the neighborhood youngsters.I knew I had to do something so other parents would not have to experience the pain I felt.".Positive action helps shift our focus to the big picture.Lorna used her personal tragedy to help hundreds of children learn about anger management.Can meaning come out of tragedy? You bet.These four practices will help restore peace in the middle of any personal storm.What can you do to help yourself bounce back from tragedy? By being patient with yourself and respecting your healing process, by finding practical and emotional support, and by submitting yourself to the practice of forgiveness, your recovery is assured.Most importantly, helping others through similar tragedies will give your personal struggles meaning and purpose.We cannot determine what happens to us in life, but we can decide what we'll do in response to it.Choose to thrive in the midst of difficulties.
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